I find problems!

I find problems – that’s what I have been doing – and I fix them – that’s also something that I have been doing.

If I can’t find a problem in something, then I can’t give suggestion to fix it – and I feel disappointed with myself.So, it’s not you, it’s me – I have the urge to identify problems in almost everything, and I try to push myself and others in fixing those problems.

Almost everything that you would share with me would have “some” scope of improvement, and my initial/knee-jerk reaction would be to identify the problem and share the solution.

Don’t be mad/sad about that – that’s just the way I am – I am pretty sure I am not so proud of myself here, but I believe this is important for the sake of improvement in our lives.

The day I stop complaining/giving-suggestions/finding-problems – that’s the day either I am dead, you are a perfectionist or I don’t care…

Which one is more difficult?

There are 2 steps to doing something:

  1. Making up your mind
  2. Committing yourself to that

In my personal experience, commitment is an issue – especially when I have made up my mind to do something.

There are times (like today/nowadays) when I am unable to make up my mind towards exactly what I want to do.

And then there are times when I am pretty much clear of what exactly I want/need to do, but I am unable to follow it through – from a commitment point of view.

I lack commitment more (not always though) than making up my mind.

I am going to get over this (I am not going to “try” it, I “will” get over this).

I’ve got a few things going on – personally(pertaining to just me, not my wife/kids/parents/relatives – just me – “personal”), professionally, family wise, financially etc – and I believe I am going to be “making my mind” on some of these things in about a week (or a “focused all-night-er” – perhaps tomorrow, may be…) and then I would be committing myself to the actions required for those.

Both of these things are extremely difficult.

  1. Making up your mind to do something (planning)
  2. Committing yourself to do those things (executing the planning)

Execution has been a bigger issue for me, yet, and I am going to eliminate this issue – by executing my plans the way they should be.

What are the things that I believe are needed for:

  1. Planning : Clarity of thoughts, written-down thoughts (prefer hard-copy version, if soft-copy is your thing then go ahead with that), revisit the thoughts every few days/weeks, bridge the gap between your “family persona” and “official persona”, bring your love for family to your work(not company), and bring your love for your work(not company) to your family, think more, give yourself “phone-free” or “distraction-free” time – daily, read what you “think” you are going to “plan”, be more focused, give attention to detail, be competitive, be fast, be faster, be more efficient, talk more, share more, feed your mind more, do not “indulge” in entertainment, do not be addicted to anything, be flexible, be strong and not rigid, be courageous and not bounded, be free, think more(yes, this is repeated, because it is important – THINK MORE)
  2. Execution: Will!

I lack(ed) will, hence the lack in execution, and I am catching up to my will… I still fail and falter, and I shrug off the problems every now and then by doing merciless introspection – I don’t make myself a fool, and I expect very high level of “common-sense” from myself during those introspection sessions – which usually kick-off with “Yes, Mr. JD, what the f*ck is going on?” and the answers start like “Well, you know how *something* is happening/about-to-happen, and I think believe I must do this *something* with more focus, commitment and will”

Well – that’s a lot of stuff for a post that I thought would be 2 lines – I guess that’s what 3.30 AM does to you… removes the brakes of the thought-train, and it doesn’t stop… you have to jump out from the running train (missing on a lot of unexplored venues if you would have stayed on that train… but you are scared that you would never want to jump if you continue to ride…)

Funny thoughts!

Should I change?

So yesterday I had a chat with my CTO regarding my appraisal.

It went great – I am more than happy with the discussion (and the result of the discussion as well).

There are a few people who I genuinely enjoy having conversations with, and he is one of those fellas!

Anyway, I have been thinking about a couple of things that we discussed (there is new/unique way of taking feedback in ucreate – more on this some other time) – and that included sharing some notes (anonymously) from different people who have given feedback for me.

  1. I am awesome
  2. I need to change

While most of the people (including myself) consider me as pretty awesome (and no, I am not letting that go into my head… but it feels pretty awesome to write “pretty awesome” about myself… 😀 ), there are suggestions for some changes as well (including from myself).

E.g. I talk a lot, and that (mostly/usually) causes the meetings to be stretched (I am trying to handle this in a much better way, but still needs to be manged better). Now that doesn’t mean I don’t make sense when I talk, but sometimes (well, most of the time) the core point is addressed either very early in the discussion (thus the person with whom I am talking feels that the call should have been over after first 5-10 mins) or the core points is addressed very late, and sometimes never(hovering over surrounding areas consumes all the time) – and when it is so, then the journey/path around other areas (the surrounding areas) is more important than the destination(which, philosophically speaking, is true most of the time).

In short – I talk a lot, that means I take a lot of time (of others), and that means that people feel that their time is being wasted, but there is a certain closure to the conversation as well.

So, should I “not talk a lot” and just “fix the issue/problem at hand”, thus avoid the “conversation” part for which I was (and still am) being considered a better “lead” (or the way I see it as – “a better human” or “a better conversationalist”), or should I “not change” and continue to do what I believe is better for me(and for those who I interact/converse with)?

If I change, then yes, I have considered other people’s opinions and suggestions and changed myself, but then it also makes me “not me” – and that’s something that will affect my conversations and I might stop getting “effective” in what I do.
On the other hand, if I do NOT change, then I will be discarding the feedback/suggestions that I have received and I will come out as “arrogant” or “rude” and then people might not want to give any suggestions in the future as well (knowing that I wouldn’t be changing anything and would ignore their inputs).

And this was ONE example, and may be for this particular case I could do some improvements that would allow me to function the way I do, and still be able to inculcate some of the inputs.
E.g.
– I would be sharing Agenda and some sub-points before a meeting so that people would know what to expect, and probably a rough time-estimate of each topic (so that I do not over-indulge in a particular point)
– If there is something that I am already aware of (and I just need to communicate it), then I would be sharing document/notes and would share my expectation from the receiver to go through the notes/document and come up with confirmation of understanding and/or any questions or follow-ups for a particular topic/scenario
– Rather than being the “speaker” and “driver” of the meeting, I would want to “speak-last” (like a good leader, knowing/considering other’s opinions before I share mine) and thus allowing others to share more and do not worry about the time considering they would have shared their feedback for the issue/point/scenario already

There is obviously a clear solution to ONE specific problem/change.

There are some other things that have started to bother me as well – and that are “changes” as well – the stuff that keeps me anxious is more technical in nature. E.g. Learning TDD and Laravel (and the ecosystem around Laravel).

I have been good with CakePHP and I am still continuing to work in CakePHP only, for my pet/personal projects.
On occasion I have used/tried SlimPHP framework as well (very light-weight, totally love it).
In ucreate we use “only” Laravel (for PHP) and I sometimes worry if my lack of knowledge(almost zero understanding of Laravel as a framework) of Laravel could be keeping the quality of an average PHP project from improving.

If I would know Laravel (like I know CakePHP, or I “think” I know CakePHP) then I would be jumping in code blocks of different projects, making changes (hopefully without introducing new bugs), doing much better code reviews, adding TDD, adding complex test cases, faster build times by utilising custom Docker images (private/public) that use PHP/Laravel’s optimised ways of doing things, static code analysis, less dependency on 3rd party extensions and what not…

What it also means is that I would start getting inputs/feedback like “Now you know that Laravel is having this issue, while CakePHP may not, so you will have to agree to the way things are done within Laravel eco-system”.

While I know Laravel is adding so much stuff so quickly, and is growing at an amazing speed, however I also happen to know how much more it could do, and I know this because of my experiments with CakePHP and SlimPHP, and seeing how amazing these frameworks are and how they handle the same use-case differently (across Laravel, CakePHP, SlimPHP).

If I would start learning/using Laravel then yes, my tech discussions with team would improve a lot, and that would also mean that my scope of knowledge would also be bounded(for the lack of a better word) and eventually I would know things just as they are in Laravel, and not as how could have been(for better or worse).

So, I am confused – should I change?

I will need to strike a balance for things like these, but then, these 2 things (time-management during discussions and learning Laravel) represent less than 2% of the other such imbalanced/unclear thoughts/decisions.

Unfair and unrealistic expectations

It is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to put on ourselves that every day at work, at home, with our spouse, with our friends would be spectacular or fulfilling.

There will be days that are “routine”.

We get up, and are not so mindful of the day, drag ourself to start the day, have a lazy breakfast (or skip it, and have a cup of tea, or just coffee at the office – or wherever we go).

We proceed with the day, do whatever we are supposed to do – and may be with less of a heart – but we get it done.

Wait for the day to end, and then just end it.

There would be days that are bad, and we don’t like the way things are going. That could be multiple days in a row, but not every day.

You could not be happy every day, but you can still be full of joy. It’s a choice that you make.

You don’t have to like every day, but you love every day.

You don’t have to like your children every day, but you love them every day.

 

Sometimes the work (or business/organization) is not designed to take care of our happiness/joy.

But sometimes(actually, most of the time), it is us – We are making ourself unhappy.

WE consider ourself victims – due to organization structure, the tasks, the vision/mission, some policies and what not.

What we fail to do (and process) is to see what the motive and intent of the organization is and what pain is being taken to make us more happy.

It is (also) problem with most organizations that they fail to let us know what they are doing. Writing an aweomse vision/mission statement and creating great-sounding OKRs does not guarantees that we understand what it means and how we connect with those objective, and instead the focus is on achieving the “Metrics” for the key results.

#startedWithSomethingAndEndedWithSomethingElse #bwah

Starting over, yet again

Time has passed. A significant amount.

I will be 35 in a few months. It’s already been more than 1800 weeks since I have been around, and (in the best case scenario) I would be around for another 1800.

While a significant time was spent on knowing, growing, learning and doing a lot of crazy things, and in doing so I have tried to hit the “reset” button a few times, and it did work – to a certain extent.

The time for another reboot is here.

New targets, new challenges, new beliefs.

This is probably the last reboot that I can do in this life at a point where I still have significant control over the actions that I can take and still be in a position to enjoy the benefits as I plan and intend.

I am investing next 8 years, to get the ROI for the following 30 or so.

Target = Retirement from fear and worries of life (and “the life itself”).